I know that it has been forever since I have posted in this journal and soooo much has happened. In May I started on anti-depressants which have really helped me. I don't cry everyday anymore which is a nice change. I ended up creeping up to 164 pounds at my lowest point (emotionally speaking, obviously not weight). I am now at 150 which I have been pretty much all summer. Over the past few weeks I have been feeling quite low again and as a result have been eating horrible. I haven't weighed myself in a while because I'm too scared to look! Last time I weighed 149 but I'm sure I've gained a few pounds just because I've been eating sugary horrible foods. I'm leaving for the UK in one week for four months of school. I'm so excited that I won't be living at home with all the horrible food my parents buy. My plan is to lose 20 pounds in the four months I'm over there. I wanted to leave at 145 pounds but I don't think that's going to happen now unless I kick butt over the next week! If I'm 145 when I leave I'll be 125 when I come home for Christmas. I'd love to come home thinner and have everyone notice when I'm back!
Today was probably the worst food day I've had in a while and I need it to serve as a wake up call that I need to get back in control of what I'm putting in my mouth.
I haven't restricted in a while so I'm going to start out at a maximum of 800 calories tomorrow and no more than 15g of carbs.
I won't weigh myself until the day before I leave for England which is the 2nd, so next Wednesday. That gives me 6 days to lose about 5 pounds. uh oh...

Ok wow, I haven't written on here in FOREVER! I have been dealing with so much lately from boyfriend issues to school work overload! I am so ashamed of how bad I have been eating. I binge almost everyday and when I stepped on the scale the other morning I cried my eyes out when I tipped the scale at 160 pounds. That is back at my highest weight! At the beginning of December I was 145 and it kills me that I've slowly let myself creep back up. I feel really disgusted with myself but I know the only way to make myself feel better is to go ahead and lose the weight, sitting around crying isn't going to make me thin.
That very day I went on the Stillman Diet which is the fasted way I know to lose weight (works better than fasting for me). The next day I was down to 157 (3 pounds in one day, not bad)..
The last two days since then I have binged, which means I'm probably up again. But I will not give up, I'm going back on the diet tomorrow (Tuesday) and will weigh myself on Friday at which point I hope to be 153. I have a wedding to go to on May 23 and I REALLY want to weigh between 125-130. Its a spring wedding and I don't want to feel like a whale in a little sundress. My mid-June I want to weigh 120. I REALLY HOPE I DON"T BINGE TOMORROW!!!!

SERIOUSLY! What have I done to myself!
When did I lose all the control in the world. Basically I was watching 'The Biggest Loser' tonight and was listening to what these people who weigh like 300 pounds were saying and it made me soooo sad. These poor people have just as messed up relationship with food as I do and if I continue just binging they way I have been for the past few weeks, I could easily work my weight up there. I've already put on about 10 pounds in the past month or so. 10 pounds! I've done this to myself and I can fix it. It's the last week of January and tomorrow I'm starting a three day liquid fast. I will only allow myself coffee, tea, crystal light, diet soda and water of course. After that I'm starting 'The 350 Pilot Diet' which is as follows:

Breakfast: 1 hard boiled egg (80) one cup skim milk (90)
Lunch: tossed leafy salad with non-caloric dressing (12)
Dinner: 3oz lean fish (160) and tossed leafy salad (12)

It says you can lose 4-6 pounds in the first 3 days but if I've just come off a 3 day fast I know I won't lose that much.
Anyway that's the plan. I am determined not to give in and regain control of my life!

I feel lost, depressed and fat.
I feel like I have no control.
I want control, I want to be thin.
I need to make this happen.

It's been a really long time since I've posted on here. Ever since Christmas (and before) I've been extremely depressed and have been binging and purging and taking mad amounts of laxatives almost everyday. I have been in this horrible vicious cycle for too long. I hadn't even bothered to weigh myself in weeks because I dreaded knowing how much I had gained from all the binging! Last night I decided that I need to get back on track and just think at positive as I can. I know that if I were to continue this way I would not only be miserable but gain a ton a weight back. I've decided for the next 2 weeks I'm going to aim to eat less than 700 calories a day. I think by setting a higher goal I can ease back into eating less and less. I got up the courage and weighed myself this morning. I wished I hadn't because the scale said 153. 153!! That's my starting point then I guess. I want to not weigh myself until the first of February but I may do it before, I haven't decided.
So far today I've had 410 calories and it's 5:30pm. I'm going to have a salmon burger patty for dinner (170) and a cup of tea with milk (10) and a lemon sugar-free jello later (5). That will put my total at about 600 for the day.

 Wow it's been so long since I've posted.  My internet has been so messed up, I can never connect thus I can't post. I finally got it looked at so I should be good now. Where do I begin...
The week leading up to Christmas could no have been worst, I felt like an absolute mess.  I was really depressed and felt very alone. My boyfriend (who doesn't know about my EDNOS or depression, although has some ideas) was wanting to do all this Christmas stuff like going to see lights and shows. It was so hard, I felt like I was living two lives. I felt like a fraud.
All these mixed emotions led to binge after binge after binge which thus led to purge after purge after laxative abuse. As I said, it could not have been worse. I weighed myself the morning of Christmas eve and I weighed 150. I cried. Not only did I not lose the 10 pounds I wanted, I gained 4.5. Christmas Eve was not a good day and Christmas I binged on everything in sight.
I weighed myself about 2 days ago and I weighed 150 still, with all the binging I was surprised I didn't weigh more. Since then I've been doing pretty good, but I haven't weighed myself, I'm too scared. I just know I've got to keep working at this, no giving up. 

 ughhh!!! My internet has seriously had a mind of its own for the past week! One minute it works, the next it doesn't. This minute it is deciding to work so I can finally update. I jumped on the scale today and I weighed 145.5 so I'm down another pound which is not very good for a week. I was upset and ate a lot of junk foooood today so I just downed a lot of laxatives. I really need to fast tomorrow. I really, really, really want to be 135 by Christmas which is only 2 weeks away! 10 pounds in 2 weeks! UUUUGH!!! 

 Today was bad. Tomorrow will be better.

 I stepped on the scale this morning thinking that I would regret it and just be disappointed but I wasn't at all! I currently weight 146.5!! I couldn't be happier (despite the fact that I'm still huuuuuuuuge) because I've finally broken my plateau! My only concern is that we just moved and the scale is in a new bathroom...what if it broken in the move and its lying to me?? I don't even feel like I'v lost 3.5 pounds. These are my updated stats:
HT: 5'.6.5
CW: 146.5
HW:163
GW:140

Today was not so great. I wouldn't say I binged or anything. I didn't really eat that much it's just that what I DID eat was all sugary foods. A bite of cookie, a few spoonfuls of cool whip, a tablespoon or two of peanut butter (my ultimate weakness! well ice cream too) and I had a granola bar and those things are all carbs! I don't think I had a ton of calories but I'm feeling horrible about all the sugar. Tomorrow I'm coffee/tea/water/diet soda fasting. No food! 

 I've just got home from a very boring lecture at uni. This morning I had a coffee with splenda and cream diluted with water. yummmm...I live for my morning coffee. I'm having some chai green tea at the moment and I may be going for coffee with my boyfriend in a bit. I'll probably have another coffee with a dash of cream and that will be my dinner. So far I've had a litre of water and plan on drinking another 500ml bottle. My girl friend is coming over this evening to watch gossip girl so that will distract me for the rest of the night...hopefully.

 I can hardly believe it's already December tomorrow! November flew by. I lost about 6.5 pounds in November but I lost that in the very first week. I've been stuck at the same weight for 3 weeks! I need to shift these pounds. I know I'll never make my goal of 130 by Christmas. Due to my inability to restrict, focus and lose in November, I'll be lucky to get to 140 by Christmas. Even to lose 10 pounds in 3 and a half weeks would be amazing. I want to lose 15 but if December is going to pan out like November...then I have no hope.
I'm determined to make this week worth it. I haven't decided yet if that will include fasting or just heavy restriction. I'm going to see how tomorrow goes. Luckily I have a ton to distract me this week. It's the last week of term and I have final projects and papers to worry about. 
I haven't weighed in about a week but I think this is accurate:
CW:150
HW:163
LW:130
GW1: 140
UGW:110